I remembered the smell of roses in the air and the dandelion pods swirling in the autumn breeze. It had been several years since I had given my heart away, I can still feel her fingers trailing down the side of my face and her soft breath on my neck, as I lay in that same place we had laid before and closed my eyes, I felt a lonely tear trailing down my cheek as my mind melted into the portrait of that moment….
	My fondest memory is the first time I laid my eyes on her, words can’t express the feeling in my gut as I saw her walk into the café on the corner of Hill and Main. The breezy day had thrown her hair up into a wave of blond silk, as the old door swings deftly shut with a loud bang. Of course the loud slam didn’t bother any of the other Music City folk; they’ve heard it since the diner was built years before. So they also never noticed my awestruck expression as this creature of pure beauty and elegance and what seemed to be her family, made their way too the only empty table in the place. Def finally looked up from his sundae and looked quizzically at me, “Paul… Paul, what are you gawking at??” he said, as he squinted and peered over in the direction I had my eyes fixed on. 
It wasn’t until he smacked me in the arm, that I blinked and turned to him and my mind came back to reality. Meanwhile he had grabbed another spoon full of ice cream and slammed it into his mouth. “So what were you looking at?” he asked again looking up. All I could do was just stare back at him dumbfounded; his reply was another shot in the arm. “Snap out of it, you look like you’ve been staring into the sun too long.” 
Rubbing my shoulder I replied, “None of your business,” as I picked up my pen and pad and made my way to the table grabbing four menus on the way. “Afternoon folks,” I said with a nod and a smile as I went about handing the menus to each of them. “I don’t reckon I’ve seen y’all around these parts,” as my gaze stuck on her beautiful face for what must’ve been too long because she looked down smiling, hastily I began talking again as I turned to her fathers face, “are you visiting someone in our great town? Or just passing through?” 
He replied in a firm voice, “You ask a lot of questions for a waiter don’t you boy?” I just stared at him wide eyed. Just as I was about to say something his wife pushed his shoulder.
“Geez Carl, the boy’s just trying to be friendly, “she said, then she turned to me, “we just moved to town.” 
I nodded my head and said, “That’s good news ma’am it’s always nice too see new faces,” as I glanced at her daughter then back to her husband.
“Sorry sir, no disrespect intended, just close your menus when you’re ready too order.” Then with a smile I walked back behind the counter and through the swinging door almost knocking over Kaya carrying a cake with sixteen candles.
Kaya looked forward too the couple sitting alone in one of the booths, as he placed the miniature cake down I looked across to see the surprise in her eyes. I nodded my thanks too him and took her soft hand in mine, “Happy Birthday amber, now make a wish,” I said. I could see by the look in her eyes she was going to say something foolish and as she opened her mouth my finger got their first, “now you know I love you and if anyone doesn’t deserve anything it’s I that don’t deserve you! Now make your wish before you hurt my feelings,” and with a smile from me she closed her eyes. “This boy knows me too well,” she thought. 
	Then she let her mind drift back too the first time they had met, she said, “Daddy why were you so mean too that boy?” 
“Oh amber I saw the way you were looking at him and he at you,” he replied. With that she felt her face turn red as she lifted her menu to block out her father’s face, glaring into it furiously. Her brother chirped in, “OooOh amber likes the waiterrrrrr.” This didn’t last long since his mother gave him a gaze that left him swallowing, she then turned that gaze to her husband, he knew it all too well. He could never quite tell how she it was done; it could freeze you in your steps and leave you with a feeling of, “Oh, oh I’m in trouble”. He then concluded that mothers must pass it down to their daughters because he had seen that gaze on his mother many times before. But of course he acted like he didn’t see it and just stared at his menu. 
	“Now you listen up, that boy looked like a fine young man and I won’t have you scaring him off, it’s hard enough starting a new life in new town.” And with that they all sat in silence until they had all chosen what they were getting.
 	Later that day she remembers walking around her new room and picturing how she was going to decorate it. As she walked too her window she couldn’t believe her eyes. There he was, the boy form the café, walking down the road, watching the men carrying the couch out of the big moving van. Her eyes opened even wider with excitement as she saw him stop and get the mail out of the box right across the street and make his way up too the front door. 
“What are you looking at?” said a voice from behind her. 
She shrieked and turned around holding her chest, “Daddy you shouldn’t scare me like that!” She said sternly still catching her breath, as he walked to the window just too see the nosey kid from the café close the door too his house. 
“Honey I know we just got here but I don’t want you hanging around with those savages.” Frowning she sat on her new bed and grabbed her favourite teddy bear “B” and gave him a big tight hug, everything seemed so strange, she started thinking about her old friends and the old tire swing behind her house that she used to play on for hours. 
“He’s not a savage,” she mumbled under her breath. 
“I know you miss back home,” her dad started as he sat down beside her and put his arm around her holding his daughter close, “but we just couldn’t stay.” This she knew, her father had been a dentist and although he thought it was ok too work on people regardless the color of there skin, the other half of the town didn’t and so her whole family was known as outcasts. They were spit at and called down, so they moved. At least she found out who her true friends were she thought as she sat down too write a letter too her best friend Tazzi who she missed the most. 
 
Dear Tazzi,
 How are you?  I’m doing ok, Music City is nice, and it’s amazing! We went too a diner and there were people of all colors enjoying there meals and conversations, it was refreshing. And there’s this boy that was our waiter! Tazzi he was perfect and I think he likes me!!!  We didn’t meet formally but made eye contact several times. Oh oh and get this! He lives right across the street!! Well I hope your life is going well, I really miss you a lot , say hello too all the old gang for me please?  
Love you xoxoxox amber.
 
	Paul looked up, ahhhh meatloaf again, he thought, of course its not like he didn’t like his mothers meatloaf, he loved it, but three times in a row was getting too him. His dad could tell by the half joking half disgusted look as he served himself a hefty portion, now his dad isn’t the most fit man but he would never say that too his face. “I’m sorry for the supper boys,” said his mom as she entered the room with the vegetables. 
“Don’t worry about it tess,” said my dad. 
“Ya mom,” I piped in, “we all know you make the best meatloaf this side of Hong Kong.” 
With a smile she replied, “Ooooh you boys, your just being nice,” as she sat down and started eating. 
“Hey dad, who moved in across the street?” I asked. 
“I don’t know, but I saw they had a young daughter,” he said, winking at me. 
“I heard it was the new dentist,” said my mom.
-----(jan. 29, 2002 )< not part of story just a date stamp------------
The next day at school amber’s dad dropped her off and she stared up at the big old building, it was much bigger than her old one. She waved a goodbye to her dad who smiled as he drove away, then turned and started walking to where the two front doors were at the top of the flight of 30 stairs as she walked up them she stared up at the statue of what seemed to be a gargoyle glaring down on her menacingly, she turned her head and with a sigh of determination and made her way through the massive doorway.
“Hi, my name is Sophia what’s yours?” said something that made her jump, as she closed her locker she saw the face of her new best friend Sophia.
“amber,” she replied as she took Sophia’s out stretched hand and shook it. As amber looked up into Sophia’s face and smiled she could tell she was going to be just fine. 

Sophia and Paul had been best friends since childhood; they lived right next door to each other and had been to everyone of each others birthday parties. He could still fondly remember the time that they put that flaming brown paper bag of dog shit on old man Murphy’s door step. Little did I know that this would be the day that she would introduce me to the love of my life and also the one thing causes pain in my heart right now. 
I remember that day as if it were yesterday but the pain in my heart still won’t subside, I cry myself to sleep every night with the memory of her beautiful face pasted to the inside of my eyelids. Not only that ... 
Just then he couldn’t write anymore for his paper was covered in dirt and the present reality of the time being rolled onto the scene, it had been raining for days and the whole field was acres upon acres of a mud filled mess of scorched earth. 
He quickly put his pad and pen away as he could hear a loud bang from the distance. His pants were soaked right through and his teeth were chattering. There was a brisk wind coming from the south and he tried to remember the last time he had not felt the hard edge of cold that the wind hit him with persistence, his mind remained blank. All he could do was see her picture. He holds his helmet tight to his head, scrunched up in a ball as he could hear that familiar whistle of a bomb that would blow him into a million pieces if it hit its mark. There was always that silence too, just before the globe shaped weapon of death struck the ground with all its force. It was a calm eerie silence, the kind that you get just before you take a penalty shot or have your first kiss. They weren’t magical anymore though because he knew that in an instant he would either be alive or dead with her. 
	All these thoughts going through his heads and he still didn’t close his eyes, he couldn’t anymore, the war had gotten too him. He was too afraid to die and too afraid to stay alive.
He scanned his surroundings; dead body, tree stump, a helmet, two of his fellow comrades in the same position he was. Looked normal to him he thought sadly. Just then the whistling stopped and he thought this is it, as the ground shook the sound was deafening, it made his ears hurt too the point that he expected blood to start dripping out.(jan. 30, 2002 ) In the back of his mind he could see her outstretched hand beaconing him. He tosses and turns furiously in his mind to try and grab it or just feel her skin against his one more time. Then slowly the hand moves up and its not reaching for him anymore, it starts moving back and forth and he realizes, its waving goodbye, he screams, but its no help. All of a sudden his hearing comes back and he’s back where he started. His ears ringing slightly and the cold feel of mud under him. The memory of her hand still holds in his mind and he feels a tear drop run out of his eye and onto his cheek and he starts crying, crying like a terrified six year old. Why God, Why couldn’t that one hit me!!! He yells aloud, no one hears his calls though, just like last time. Sniffling, he wipes away the tears from his face as reason kicks in, its ok, your going to be ok, he thought. But he waivers on the edge of insanity, no it’s not going too be ok, all is lost, he thought sadly in his mind, no this can’t be it, suck it up man we can make it through this. 
From a distance he must’ve looked like a mad man holding his knees too his chest rocking back and forth mumbling to himself, then he heard it, something in the distance, something different a new sound. He stopped and sat dead still, it was getting louder he thought or was it closer. A bead of sweat dropped off the tip of his nose and he watched it sail slowly too the ground hitting the water making a plop sound, then the sound was gone. He slowly raised his head, and looked across to where the two soldiers were sitting earlier. Luckily they were still there and he could tell by the look on there face they had heard it too. Then it started again, a low decibel thud, and it was definitely getting stronger, for the millions of puddles where getting bigger and bigger rings in them. Then he started to hear something, he thought it was still his ears ringing but after awhile he knew this was different. It was a high pitched sound and it was getting more intense almost to the point of pain then wave back into normal. Then things really got intense when he looked across and saw his two comrades faces light up and there heads slowly move upwards looking at something. Their mouths fell open and their hands dropped guns they have been holding for god knows how long. The metal of the guns actually stuck to the palms of their hands before they dropped into the muddy, wet mess with a splash. That reminded him how long they had been there out posted at this little bunker, bomb raids over five times a day, only a few had survived, the food was almost all gone. His thoughts drifted back too his current situation quite quickly after he had seen the white in the eyes of his comrades, as they both turned and started running the opposite way of something. 
	The sounds were getting louder now and he had to cover his ears when the high pitch part of the continuous sound wave assaulted his ears, the pounding was so loud that he could feel the ground under him moving. He just sat there too terrified to move and too terrified to flee. Maybe its death, come to get me, he thought, I hope it’s a short one for I can’t bear this world any longer. A smile crossed his face as he thought about her. "I will be with you soon my love," he said out loud, of course there was no one there to hear him. He scanned all that his eyes would allow, people on both sides of this bloody war, popping out of little rabbit holes and bunkers running as quick as they possibly could in the direction exactly behind him. In the direction of this new terror that had all running through this mucky wonderland. A wicked grin formed deviously on his face and he thought, It IS death. He laughed like a mad man and threw away his weapon. Using the side of the bank he pushed himself to his feet. As he looked at what seemed like millions of people running away, he slowly raised his hands till his arms were perpendicular too his body. He couldn’t feel his body, he felt numb, inside and out. He tilted his head back and laughed out loud again, it was the laugh of a mad man, "Take me!!" he screamed. "Take me now so I can be with my love again!!" Then he slowly started to turn around arms still out stretched, eyes shut, tears of joy streaming down his face or were they tears of fear? He didn’t even know, all that was running through his mind was how he would be with his one and only true love again. As he finished his turn and slowly open his eyes his pupils dilated and he was blinded, throwing up his arms at what he could not see and it engulfed him.  
(Feb. 13, 2002)
	I hate ties,  I thought as I tried too tie it too no avail looking into the big mirror in the hall.
	 “You’re doing it all wrong,” said a voice too the left, you have too tuck that side over and then thread that one.” 
	I turned and looked at my mom and then walked over too her, “Here you do it then please?” I asked. “I don’t even know why I’m going too this stupid thing, I feel like a dork in these clothes,” I huffed at her.
	 “Oh shush you,” she said “you look great and you’re going because you’re going to have a good time.” 
	The fact that the clothes didn’t feel right on me wasn’t the real reason I didn’t want to go though, it was because it was my first date with amber and I was as nervous as hell. My stomach felt like a million bee’s were attacking a bear that was going after there honey. 
	Two weeks earlier I had finally met the girl from across the street. I felt my heard skip a beat when she walked into the classroom and gave the teacher her papers and I noticed Sophia waving her over too where we were sitting and the empty desk in front of her. Her movements reminded me of that of an angel her hair seemed too shimmer as I walked. Everyone else seemed too care less; I on the other hand was lost in happy land. I finally broke my gaze when she looked at me, quickly I put my head down and pretended too write, she just smiled at Sophia and mouthed thank you and sat down. Halfway through the class I was a wreck, she knew Sophia, Sophia knows me, that means she’s going to introduce me too her right after class. I peered up at the clock, T minus twenty minutes until total embarrassment I thought. Plans started too flow into my head, I could fake a seizure, no, ask too go too the bathroom and then just run home and so on and so forth. Idea after idea stared flowing into my head, I was sweating, I got too get out of here I thought. Then it hit me, I wrote on my paper, “Please excuse Paul he has a doctors appointment,” I smiled as I copied my dads’ signature perfectly and I slowly got up and gathered my things. (Feb. 23, 2002)Everyone looked up from their desks as I got up and made my way too the front of the room. “I have to go miss Bridget1,” I said as I slid the note to her. She read it over and looked up at me, I felt like my face was covered in perspiration, I thought damn she knows its fake, but then she smiled and replied, “All right Paul, I will see you tomorrow.” Sweet! I though as I turned and walked out the door with a smile, after I turned into the hall I ran straight too my locker grabbed my bag, and then ran home. 
	“That was weird,” amber heard behind her, she turned around too see Sophia with distraught look on her face, “he never mentioned that.”
	 Great amber thought as she turned around, slumped in her chair and frowned, he must hate me. Later that day Sophia was walking with amber home too her house. 
	“I’m going to go over and see if Paul is ok, you want to come meet him?” Sophia asked. amber thought about it, she really did want too go meet him she thought as she looked at his door.
	 “Um no thanks,” she replied, “I have too go help my parents unpack still, I’m sure we will meet sooner or later.” 
	Sophia nodded her head, “ok, see you tomorrow new friend,” and with a smile she turned and started walking towards Paul’s door. 
		

	I took a deep breath as I walked up the pathway too amber’s house. I pushed the door bell with one hand and straightened his tie with the other. 
	Her dad answered, “Hello, Paul is it?” he asked.
	 “Yes, it’s nice to meet you,” I said as I extended my hand. 
	He looked down and then took my hand and said, “nice to meet you too, now I want amber home at 11.” 
	I started nodding my head but then amber walked into the room, “Daddy the dance is over at 12:00,” she pouted as she looked at him.
	 “Ok twelve and I mean on the dot.” He retorted. I smiled and told amber she looks beautiful and hugged her. Then opened up the box that the corsage I got for her was in. She smiled as I put it around her wrist. 
	“Well lets get going,” she said and as we made for the door  amber’s mom rushed in the room and said, “Wait one second, I didn’t get any pictures.” amber glared at her and she replied, “Oh come on, this only happens once.” 
	Finally we got out the door; I held her hand as we walked to my car. As I opened the door for her she kissed me on the cheek and then got in. The gym never looked so decorated I thought as we walked through the streamers in the entrance. 
	“How do you feel?” I asked as I looked over at her. 
	“Great,” she replied.
	“You want some punch? “ I retorted. 
	She nodded her head and I went to the table laid out for drinks. We danced the night away, it was the most fun I had ever had. At the end of the last song of the night I looked into amber’s eyes and I knew in my soul there wasn’t another girl I wanted in my life. As I took her hand and kissed it staring into her big blue eyes, I wanted the night too never end. I took the pause to reach in my pocket and retrieve the gift I had bought her for graduation. Her eyes grew wide as I handed her the little box. 
	“What is it? “She asked curiously.  
	“Just a token of my affection, “I responded as I smiled. 
	Her mouth dropped open at the site of the ring inside the tiny velvet box. “It’s beautiful, “she said as she picked it up and looked at it. I just smiled at her, she loves it I thought. 
	“I’m so lucky; I have such a good boyfriend! “she yelled as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on my cheek. 
I felt like the man, the girl of my dreams and she loves me. On the way home, we held hands and on her door step I leaned forward and had my first real kiss. I don’t know how long we stood there with our lips touching, it seemed like an eternity to me. Well that was until we both were startled by a flashing light. I looked in the direction of the flash with squinted eyes, no way is this happening I thought to myself as my mom said 
	“Get closer togeth …” she stopped talking once she saw the look I was giving her. (March,4,2002) “Oh somebody’s mad!” she said and scurried back into the house. 
	“I guess ill get going now, “amber said, her face was totally red from my picture snagging mother. 
	“Sorry about that, “I said as I pointed at the door, she cut me off. 
	“Its ok,” and with that she smiled and kissed me on the cheek and turned and walked towards her house across the street. I just sighed and walked around the side of the house and climbed in my window, I wasn’t going to go in there with that woman.
	The next thing I remember is the roof tiles in my hospital room. {may212002}How long have I been out I wonder to myself and what part of the world I was in. I could hear the faint sound of birds chirping out the window across the room. As I attempted to sit up I found that my arms and legs were strapped to the bed. What the hell I thought, as I tried to break the straps with all my might to no avail. “HelpI remembered the smell of roses in the air and the dandelion pods swirling in the autumn breeze. It had been several years since I had given my heart away, I can still feel her fingers trailing down the side of my face and her soft breath on my neck, as I lay in that same place we had laid before and closed my eyes, I felt a lonely tear trailing down my cheek as my mind melted into the portrait of that moment….
	
Laterish in the bookish I thinkish

Pain coursed through his body, words alone couldn’t symbolize the pure hatred he felt towards the man that had murdered his wife. He shut his eyes and tears fled out the side and down his cheeks. He wanted to hold her but his legs wouldn’t move, his whole body seemed detached from him. In the distance he could see the man that had done it all running off. He tried to move to get up, to chase this murderer, who had murdered the only thing he cared the most about in the world. The pain came again like a bolt of lightning, his body spassed and he barred his teeth. I’m getting up if it kills me he thought, then the spasm stopped and he dropped to the ground lifeless. The sirens woke him up, he couldn’t move at all now, just cry and so he did. He stared at his wife whose face was turned to him, looking for life, all he got back was the gaze of the dead. He looked past her now into the ball of flame that was their car. The flames looked inviting, dancing around, seducing him and he was memorized. The gas tank on the other side of his truck exploded, the big ball of flame lifted into the air and rotated devilishly upwards. His eyes followed it until they couldn’t any more, he peered back at the car, the fire was hotter now, almost white, then he smiled as the white flame curled his pupil. His gaze rolled upwards now, faces, clouds, the sun and as the sun glare hit his eye he closed them and lost consciousness. 
	
	Later that same day a story was read in a newspaper by a business man on a bus, his brow sweaty from the sweltering heat.