ZOOB By Ben Rowe Lights go up on a spaceship with five people on board. The one at the controls- Rodney Molson- is the captain of the ship. He has also had far too many supernova shots to be piloting such a sophisticated vehicle. In the seat beside him is his Bordooshian tech/medical/navigational officer Vent. He has had too many shots to remember that this is a bad idea. Behind them is Princess Nebula, or Nebby. She is far too preoccupied with her pet robot to worry about the large uncharted planet that is getting very large and coming very fast in the view screen. And beside her is an unnamed ensign, she is very much sober and equally worried about the planet in the view screen. The two men in the front are singing a promotional jingle for Supernova Megawhisky. Ensign: Um… sir, I don’t mean to question your command, but do you have to be going so fast? Rod: Nope. Ensign: Well it’s just that there’s a planet up ahead and I don’t think our energy shield can withstand an impact- Rod: Talk to er… Vent there. He’s all about the energy stuff on this ship. Nebby: Do you like to go fast Chippy? I like to go fast! Woooo! Ensign: Tech/medical/navigational Officer Vent! I’m really worried about that very large planet up ahead. Rod: “Oh no! We’re going to crash into a big evil planet!” that’s you. Vent: That’s what you sound like. CRASH! Lights go up really bright and then out Rod: Dammit, I spilled the supernova. Lights go up. It is the next morning and the crew is sifting through the wreckage of the ship. Rod: Oh… my head. Okay Vent, what’s the status of the ship? Can it be fixed? Vent: Not really, the proton decelerator is trashed. I would be able to get this thing going in about a day or two if we had another one. Rod: Didn’t we pick up a spare one at the service station a few parsecs back? Vent: No, that was a proton accelerator. But our current one is in perfect working order. Rod: Couldn’t you just put a proton accelerator in backwards? Vent: Ha, ha. No we’ve got to get a new proton decelerator here. I’ll go out with you and look for a parts dealer. Princess nebula jumps away from a section of destroyed ship in surprise. Nebby: Ah! That poor ensign is dead! They all approach the body. Rod: Not… the ensign! Aw… Vent: Think we should bury her? Rod: Well he’s already buried by the rubble, mostly. Nebby: Yeah, and I think he would have wanted us to… not touch him. Vent: Her. Nebby: Really? Vent: I think. Nebby: Ew. Rod: Should we say something? Nebby: I liked your hair. Rod: Yeah. Vent: Yeah. Nebby: Can we, like… are we done? Rod looks in his command handbook. Rod: Yeah. They leave the poor ensign’s body. Nebby: So what are we doing? Vent: Well me and Rod were going to go look for a proton decelerator, but If you’re scarred about being alone… Nebby: Ew. Vent: Psh, whatever. I don’t do humans anyway. Us Bordooshians don’t like you high class society types, you’re a little too “oh goodness my” for my tastes. (To Rodney)You know that Princess Nebula’s a real chog. Nebby: Hey, watch who you’re calling a chog, my daddy invented the hydro-depu-spamner! He could buy and sell your butt. Vent: Which butt, my hind-butt or my fore-butt? Nebby: (to Rodney) you guys can go ahead, I’ll stay here. Chippy can protect me. Rod: If you say so, we’ll only be a little while. But here, Chippy, take this. Rodney hands Chippy a photon laser.. Chippy makes some annoying/adorable beepy sounds. Nebby: Aw, I love you too Chippy. Nebby hugs Chippy and give it a kiss on the face. It makes some more sounds. Nebby: Chippy doesn’t like you Vent. Vent: Well Chippy can kiss my fore-butt. C’mon Rod, lets blow this Hydrodsicle stand. Rod: Alright. You be safe Princess, if anything happens I want you to contact me on your astro-communicator. Nebby: Cell-phone. Rod: Yeah. Exit Rod and Vent. Chippy makes some more sounds. Nebby: Yes chippy, I would love some grapes. Thank you. Rod and Vent come across a strange old man doing something weird with a bunch of spools. Rod: Look there, it’s a local. Vent: Looks friendly, let’s ask if he knows where we can find a proton decelerator Rod: Let me do talking, I’m the one trained in inter-terrestrial etiquette. Vent: Yeah, humans know all about being gracious to- Rod: Yeah, I know! I don’t need this again. Wise: Hello there! Rod: Greetings, I am Captain Rodney Molson of the Starship Debutant. I have come from far above and away. We are looking for a device called a proton decelerator. Wise: Oh a space traveler, we don’t get many of you out here. As for a proton decelerator, have you tried just putting a proton accelerator in backwards? Vent: Ha, ha. Excuse the earthman here he insists on doing all his alien contact by the book. Although, I can’t blame him after… Rod: How many times do we have to say sorry? Vent: Sorry doesn’t bring back galactic heroes Rodney! Wise: What are you two arguing about? Rod: Vent, don’t… Vent: You’ve got a lot of books here; can I assume you know a bit about galactic history? Wise: Indeed you can mister Vent. Vent: Okay, well do you recall that one Messihian traveler from the Alpha and Omega sector? Wise: Yes, the one who never aged, and devoted his eternity to spreading his teachings of love and good will throughout the galaxy? Vent: Exactly, and do you know why he suddenly stopped about five thousand yeegs ago? It was because the earthlings murdered him! Wise: You killed Jesus? Rod: I didn’t kill anyone! Vent: That’s right, the savior of all of creation comes down to this little blue marble for a routine lesson, cures there sick, gives them food from his replicator, entertains them a bit with his water shoes. And the lot of them torture him to death and nail him to a tree! Wise: Why would you do that? Rod: Again, It wasn’t me! It was people of the same species as me thousands of years- er yeegs ago! We all got enough of this in the Galactic Assimilation Academy! Vent: Wow, easy there monkey man. I didn’t mean to get you angry. Don’t break out the crown of thorns. Rod: I hate you so much. Vent: Humans and your hate. Back at the spaceship wreck. Nebby: Lalalala. Creepy whosh of wind. Nebby: LALALALA! A creepy voice sounds from all around. Gnarzolck: Hahahaha! Greeting Princess Nebula! I am Emperor Gnarzolck The Shadow King! Now you shall come with me! Nebby: Never, you creepy voice man! Chippy, shoot it! Chippy makes some sounds and tries to fire the weapon. It doesn’t work, not at all. Gnarzolck: Hahahaha! Your puny weapons can not defeat me! Now come or you and your little friend will be annihilated! Nebby: Okay, fine! I’m going, jerk! Gnarzolck: No, the other way! Nebby: Which way? Where are you? Gnarzolck: Ugh, to your left, the other left! Hahaha… excellent. Lights out. Lights up back at the wise man’s hovel. Wise: So you are you really one of the children of sol? Rod: If you mean human, yes. Why? Wise: Because my son, the prophecy says that a child of sol will destroy the malevolent Emperor Gnarzolck: The Shadow King. Vent: That’s a stupid name, is he an emperor or a king? Wise: I didn’t make the name, okay. Rod: Why would a King or Emperor be doing living on this backwater planet? Wise: Because he was banished by The Galactic Order of Galactic Peace and Order. Did I not already mention that? Vent: Probably, we weren’t listening. Wise: Anyway, you are the chosen one; you will destroy the shadow king and receive the holy Zoob. Rod: The Zoob? Vent: Stupid. Wise: Will you please! Yes the Zoob is an ancient device that was built by the ancients that can allow whomever uses it to travel anywhere in the galaxy instantly. It may be your only way off this planet. Rod: So now you want me to go on a quest to kill some supernatural galactic royalty in order to get an ancient relic that I don’t even know exists? Wise: With nothing but your wits and this magical ball. Exit Rod and Vent. Lights out. Lights back on. Rob and Vent come back to the hovel with Chippy. Rod: Gimmie, the princess got captured by the stupid emperor and I don’t get paid unless she’s alive. Rod grabs the magical ball, that is still in the wise man’s hand. Vent: Yeah, her dad invented the hydro-depu-spamner. Wise: Look who comes crawling back. Rob: Watch it buddy, I’m the chosen one. Wise: There will be many trials ahead! Don’t forget the magical ball! Rod: When will I need to use this? Wise: You will know my son, you will know. Vent: Alright but we should probably stay here for tonight; it’ll be getting dark soon. Wise: Yes, that is probably a good- oh no! It’s Thundertroopers of the Gnarzolck Imperial army. Rod: Get our photon blasters! Wise: No, there’s no time! Vent: I got them! Wise: I’ll hold them off Rod: He got them! Wise: Run dammit! I can’t keep these guys away forever! AAAAGGGH! Wise man runs off toward the Thundertroopers. Vent: Why, what the hell? There’s only like three of ‘em. Rod: Darn noble of him though. Lights out. Lights up on Nebby in a dark cell. Nebby: Oh no, Why did I ever listen to that awful voice thing. Emperor Gnarzolck enters. Gnarzolck: I’ve been told it’s rather dashing. Nebby: Ahh! It’s you! The voice thing! Gnarzolck: I am The Shadow King! Nebby: I pictured you being… taller. Gnarzolck: My height is just er… light refraction off of my awesome radiance. Nebby: Ew. Gnarzolck: Whatever. We are going to be married. The prophecy says that if I am wed to a daughter of Sol then the holy Zoob will be mine. And then, the Universe! BWAHAHA! Nebby: Never, Rodney Molson is the best captain in the galaxy, and his dumb friend Vent is the smartest Bordooshian in all of Bordooshio! Gnarzolck: I eat Bordooshians for breakfast. Speaking of which, omelets at nine, I hope you like ham and cheese! Hahahahaha! Exit Emperor Gnarzolck. Nebby: Rodney! Vent! Where are you? She’s alone and scared, she starts to sing a song about Rob and Vent going on a journey to rescue them. Montage of Rob and Vent coming to rescue her. They make it and enter the prison. Nebby: Aren’t you a little short for a thundertrooper? Rod: There! The princess! Quick- wait-pffft hahaha! Yes, I love you! Okay, seriously it’s probably a trap. Nebby: No! It’s a trap! Rod: Yeah, I said it was a trap Nebby: Sorry the acoustics in this cell are pretty bad. Vent: It’s probably the way the walls are shaped; it blocks the sound from- Ahh! Thundertoopers! Quick, behind these convenient blast proof wall thingies! Enter two Thundertroopers. Thundertroop1: There they are! Fire! They begin to fire Thundertroop1: Yeah, just like old times eh Dean? We’re gonna get ‘em! Thundertroop2: So, Brian, have you been talking about me? Thundertroop1: What do you mean? Thundertroop2: Cindy said that you were talking with her about me. Thundertroop1: Wha, no! I why would I… I’ve got nothing to… Thundertroop2: Why wouldn’t you just say it to my face? Thundertroop1: I… uhh, you just don’t understand! I found it! I should get to keep it, so what if your cousin says- Thundertroop2: Leave Irene out of this! Nebby: Great! How are we going to get out of this one! Vent: Don’t your earth movies have a lot of scenes like this? What with the lasers and the wall things. Rod: Yes, brilliant! All we have to do is use a character shield! Nebby: A what? Rod: A character shield is when a character is too cute or important to die in the story, so nothing could happen to them. Vent: Perfect! We just have to find the cutest, most lovable one of us and hide behind ‘em. They all look at chippy. It makes a very “Aw nuts” sounding beepy sound. Nebby: This better work, my daddy gave me this robot, and it has all the ships co-ordinates and navigational data on it. Rod: Don’t worry, we’ll all be fine. All: Character shield! Rodney holds Chippy out like a shield and walks out of the cover. Chippy is immediately destroyed by a laser bolt. Nebby: Dammit Rodney! Your stupid plan didn’t work! Rod: No, we just have to use a less expendable character, quick the princess! Vent: No! Nebby: Why don’t you just pay attention and shoot them. Rod: Oh, yeah. They both fire off two shots and kill the thundertroops. All three of them run off. Thundertroop1: It’s okay Dean, you can have it… Dean? They both die. Nebby: You know what guys, I’m thinking of becoming Jewish. Rod: Uh, why? Nebby: Well think about it. Judaism is pretty much the perfect religion, faith, but not too many strange, unnecessary rules. The only reason not everybody is Jewish is the… Vent: No pork on Saturdays! It’s perfect! Nebby: I know! ‘Cause in space; there are no pigs. Vent: Or Saturdays! Rod: Yeah, that’s great for you two. Is that? No! Rodney runs over to a skeleton wearing the wise man’s robe. Rod: Wise man! You fool! Don’t you die on me! Breathe damn you! Breathe! Rodney attempts CPR. Vent goes over and checks the skeleton’s pulse. Vent: He’s dead. Rod: NOOOO!!! Nebby: Do you smell omelets? Enter Emperor Gnarzolck. Gnarzolck: So glad you could join me. Nebby: Ah! It’s Emperor Gnarzolck! Rod: What have you done to him? Gnarzolck: I merely disintegrated him. I offered him a choice to either tell me where you are or die, if he had have known you’d be dumb enough to come to me he probably wouldn’t have chosen the latter. But don’t worry about grief, for you shall all be joining him soon. Except Princess Nebula, she shall become my wife and then probably after, my lunch! BWAHAHA! Rod: Never! Rodney takes out his photon laser. Gnarzolck: You think you can defeat me, with your puny mortal weapons? I am the Shadow King! Feel my wrath! Graaaa! Gnarzolck starts to shake the room and the lights flicker. Rod: You’ll pay for this Gnarzolck! Gnarzolck: That’s exactly what the wise man said when died! Or that’s what he was thinking, his exact words were: “Ahhh! You’re disintegrator is killing me!” Rod: You bastard! Nebby: No! I’m too important to die! Rod: I knew it! The voice of the wise man says “You will know my son, you will know.” Vent: You know what to do Rod. Rod: Now’s the time. Rodney throws the magical ball at Emperor Gnarzolck. Gnarzolck: Noooo! It can’t be! I was so close! You’ll pay for this Rodney! Rod: But you’re thinking: “Ahhh! You’re magical ball is slowly killing me!” Gnarzolck dies. Suddenly one of the rocks in the background starts to glow. A stone tablet is revealed that is written in some strange language. Rod: What does that say? Vent: It’s in a very old dialect… but I think it says… “The Holy Zoob is within your grasp, now is the time to use the magical ball.” Rod: Fuck. Vent: He said, “You would know!” Rod: What about that “You know what to do,”? Vent: I was suggesting you just shoot him. Nebby: Yeah, you probably could have just shot the Emperor with your photon laser. Why else would he say: “Your mortal weapons can’t hurt me,” so much? Rod: Stupid cryptic wise man. Rodney kicks the wise man’s dead body as they walk away. Nebby: So how are we going to get home? Vent: I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that putting our spare proton accelerator in backwards will work. Rod: Great. And Vent, I just want you to know that on behalf of my people I sincerely apologize for killing Jesus. Nebby: That’s okay, we’re Jewish. Le Fin.