alias epenis {

  ; Set current length variables (inches & centimeters),
  ; using a square root function to determine erection size.
  ;
  var %up = $uptime(system,3)
  var %in = $sqrt($calc(0.0005 * %up))
  var %cm = %in * 2.540

  ; If no record is set, or current uptime exceeds record
  ; uptime, set/adjust stored record value.
  ;
  if ((%ePenis.record !isnum) || (%ePenis.record < %up)) {
    set %ePenis.record %up
  }

  ; Set record values.
  ;
  var %r.in = $sqrt($calc(0.0005 * %ePenis.record))
  var %r.cm = %r.in * 2.540

  ; No more than 2 decimals to keep it legible.
  ;
  %in = $round(%in,2)
  %cm = $round(%cm,2)
  %r.in = $round(%r.in,2)
  %r.cm = $round(%r.cm,2)

  ; Proceed to show my (big) erection to the rest/a friend.
  ;
  say Based on the uptime of my $+(Win,$os) box, $&
    my e-Penis is %in inches ( $+ %cm cm) erect! $&
    Largest erection ever was %r.in inches ( $+ %r.cm cm)!

}


; Check current uptime against record upon exiting mIRC.
;
on *:exit:{

  ; If no record is set, or current uptime exceeds record
  ; uptime, set/adjust stored record value.
  ;
  if ((%ePenis.record !isnum) || (%ePenis.record < $uptime(system,3))) {
    set %ePenis.record $uptime(system,3)
  }

}