/** * * @title Garasu no Kantai * @episode 20 * @stage Quality Check * @author Zanejin/2006 * */ // Language Original: 0:02:50.42 I've been thinking, ever since I talked to the Admiral, 0:02:53.95 on how to make everyone in the world ride my wind. Suggested: 0:02:50.42 I've been thinking, ever since I talked to the Admiral, 0:02:53.95 about how to make everyone in the world ride my wind. Comments: It's more colloquial to say "think about" than "think on". Original: 0:03:01.85 It's simple. 0:03:03.43 It's something impossible to do on our own. 0:03:11.87 It's because we can't do it alone, that's why we're renegotiating with B.B, right? Suggested: 0:03:01.85 Simple. 0:03:03.43 It's something that's impossible to do on our own. 0:03:11.87 It's because we can't do it alone that we're renegotiating with B.B, right? Comments: To prevent the stream of four consecutive sentences that begin with "It's". The sentence flows more smoothly with this change. To improve sentence flow. Original: 0:03:23.36 there's another guy that we have to ally ourselves with no matter what. Suggested: 0:03:23.36 there's another guy we have to ally ourselves with, no matter what. Comments: The "that" is not required here. The comma is to prevent the run-on feel of this rather long sentence. Original: 0:03:29.34 The power of that guy who wanted to unite the world. Suggested: 0:03:29.34 The power of the one who wanted to unite the world. Comments: This is where the literal translation destroys sentence flow. "The one" helps make the sentence flow better, here. Original: 0:03:39.87 That guy is indeed someone that pisses people off, 0:03:42.55 and to the People's Army, he is an enemy, but this is not the time to be saying that. Suggested: 0:03:39.87 He is indeed someone who pisses people off, 0:03:42.55 and an enemy to the People's Army. But this isn't the time to be saying that. Comments: It's smoother to say "He is", in this occasion. And according to the rules of proper English, "who" is to "him/her" as "that" is to "it". The guy is referring to a "him". Even better, place everything that comes after "enemy" into a different sentence in its own subtitle slot. The contraction of "is not" is necessary to suit the character's lazy personality. Original: 0:03:58.83 Oh my, sorry for disturbing. Suggested: 0:03:58.83 Oh my, sorry for interrupting. Comments: Better word choice :P . Original: 0:04:17.18 Usually the ones that go on about their wild dreams are men. Suggested: 0:04:17.18 Usually, the ones who go on about their wild dreams are men. Comments: The dependent clause comes before the independent clause, so a comma is needed. And "Who" is to "him/her" as "that" is to "it". Original: 0:04:21.13 Women are the ones that think from a realistic standpoint.{think was kind tc} Suggested: 0:04:21.13 Women are the ones who think from a realistic standpoint.{think was kind tc} Comments: "Who" is to "him/her" as "that" is to "it". Original: 0:05:04.80 Well then, have a nice woman to woman talk. Suggested: 0:05:04.80 Well then, have a nice woman-to-woman talk. Comments: Better to join these with hyphens than to leave spaces. Original: 0:05:23.37 But, can that be trusted? Suggested: 0:05:23.37 But can that be trusted? Comments: Comma is unnecessary, and may even disrupt sentence flow. Original: 0:05:39.58 It's not worth making a commotion over it. Suggested: 0:05:39.58 It's not worth making a commotion over. Comments: The subject of this sentence has already been stated ("It's"). Original: 0:07:25.24 You should have felt it too, that guy's wind. Suggested: 0:07:25.24 You should've felt it too, that guy's wind. Comments: Smoother with the contraction. Original: 0:07:46.01 Let drink lots together! {a lot sounded funny, think of a better word for insanely tho} Suggested: 0:07:46.01 Let's drink lots together! {a lot sounded funny, think of a better word for insanely tho} Comments: "Woman's institution". Original: 0:08:16.31 B.B's guards drunk too much wine and have slacked in their security. Suggested: 0:08:16.31 B.B's guards drank too much wine and have slacked in their security. Comments: The past tense of "drink" is "drank". "Drunk" is the past participle (used with "has"/"have"/etc.). Original: 0:09:50.67 Ah, Norbi you're around. Suggested: 0:09:50.67 Ah, Norbi, you're around. Comments: N/A Original: 0:09:53.78 It's impossible. Eimelle is not here. Suggested: 0:09:53.78 Impossible. Eimelle is not here. OR 0:09:53.78 No can do. Eimelle is not here. Comments: N/A Original: 0:13:18.25 That is... Suggested: 0:13:18.25 That's... Comments: She's in a hurry to say what she has to say. Original: 0:14:04.17 Yes. Once the operation successfully completes, I am going to hug my family with these hands that killed you. Suggested: 0:13:18.25 Yes. Once the operation successfully completes, I'm going to hug my family with these hands that killed you. Comments: The contraction is necessary in this rather long sentence; people generally leave syllables out in such cases. Original: 0:14:13.91 Then, I ask you. Suggested: 0:14:13.91 Then, I ask you: Comments: N/A Original: 0:14:16.13 In terms of results, which side is the one that contributed most towards the galaxy achieving peace? Suggested: 0:14:16.13 In terms of results, which side has contributed most towards the galaxy achieving peace? Comments: Reduction of the clutter of words in this sentence is benefitial. Original: 0:18:31.14 I want to help but... Suggested: 0:18:31.14 I want to help, but... Comments: N/A Original: 0:20:22.30 But, that isn't bad. Suggested: 0:20:22.30 But that isn't a bad thing. Comments: N/A Original: 0:21:09.12 Come to the side of god... Suggested: 0:21:09.12 Come to the side of God... Comments: N/A // Miscellaneous Athrun's VA?! GONZO makes everything awesome. :3 Anamorphic MKV.