on *:text:!quote*:#: {
set %8b $rand(1,14)

if (%8b == 1) { msg $chan I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace. - Tommy Cooper }
if (%8b == 2) { msg $chan I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. - Tommy Cooper }
if (%8b == 3) { msg $chan You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. - Tommy Cooper }
if (%8b == 4) { msg $chan If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that! - Milton Jones }
if (%8b == 5) { msg $chan Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? - Stephen Wright }
if (%8b == 6) { msg $chan Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers }
if (%8b == 7) { msg $chan Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. -Jim Davis }
if (%8b == 8) { msg $chan My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. - Michael Caine }
if (%8b == 9) { msg $chan I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. - Billy Connolly }
if (%8b == 10) { msg $chan I always look skint. When I buy the Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. - Billy Connolly }
if (%8b == 11) { msg $chan When humor goes, there goes civilization. - Erma Bombeck }
if (%8b == 12) { msg $chan Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark. }
if (%8b == 13) { msg $chan I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough". - Les Dawson }
if (%8b == 14) { msg $chan There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar. - Geoffrey Parfitt }
}