FACADE STAGEPLAY Wed Jul 11 21 14 28 2007 TRIP Where are the new wine glasses? GRACE What for? (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) TRIP That should be obvious! -- (interrupted) TRIP Oh, he's here! GRACE What?! You said he's coming an hour from now! (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) TRIP No, he's right on time! (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) GRACE Trip...! (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Trip opens the front door.) TRIP Andrew!! ANDREW hi trip TRIP Hi! It's so great to see you! -- (interrupted) GRACE No, no, here we are! GRACE Andrew, ANDREW hi gracy GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long! -- (interrupted) GRACE H-mmm (happy smile sound) ANDREW hows it going GRACE And, I've -- (interrupted) GRACE Oh we're good, we're good... um... Yes! GRACE Well, come on in, make yourself at home! TRIP Huh, I'll close the door. (ANDREW points to the wedding photo.) TRIP Heh heh, Andrew, seeing you brings back -- (interrupted) (Trip closes the front door.) PHONE ** RING ** TRIP Oh, I'll get it -- GRACE No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up. PHONE ** RING ** TRIP Grace, no, I want -- GRACE Trip, please dear, don't be rude. GRACE It's probably just the execs at work inviting you to another one of your precious 'high class poker games'. -- (interrupted) PHONE ** RING ** (ANDREW picks up the phone.) GRACE Andrew, no! Please don't do that. PHONE Grace? Hello? ANDREW fuck off phone dude (ANDREW puts down the phone.) GRACE Uhh, it's my dad, I can hear his voice. TRIP Oh! GRACE Oh, good, you hung up. I can call him back later, or in a few days, heh. TRIP uh... ha heh heh... GRACE uh... ANDREW ok that god TRIP why... GRACE wha... TRIP ha ha... ANDREW lets have drinks GRACE ha ha... TRIP ha ha ha! GRACE ha ha ha ha ha!! TRIP Ha ha ha, heh, Andrew, ANDREW drinks GRACE heh heh heh... TRIP heh, you had me going there for a sec... ANDREW hello TRIP heh, ha ha... TRIP Never afraid to push your luck, heh heh heh... ANDREW i want some booze TRIP push our little buttons... TRIP heh heh, you're crazy, you know that? ANDREW i wanna get drunk TRIP ha ha... TRIP (big sigh) TRIP Anyway... what were we talking about, heh? ANDREW drinks GRACE Yes, you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha. ANDREW lets have drinks TRIP Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec! TRIP Ah, you'll be the first to sample from my new set of imported drinking glasses. ANDREW wtf is wrong with you people TRIP Well hold on, hold on, take a closer look, give it a chance to soak in a little. GRACE (frustrated sigh) -- (interrupted) ANDREW ok GRACE Uh, yes, but it -- it just doesn't go in this room, right? ANDREW still looks like shit TRIP Oh, okay... GRACE I bet I can return most of this, and start over again on this room... ANDREW only because your hot GRACE That's funny, Andrew, I'd guess you were flirting with me. ANDREW yep TRIP See, Grace, everybody always loves your decorating! It's beautiful. -- (interrupted) ANDREW and trip too TRIP Andrew, uhh, Grace, nothing's wrong, everything's fine! GRACE Well... it didn't take long for you two to... bond, -- (interrupted) ANDREW lets have drinks you ugly people TRIP (little sigh) TRIP Ah, Andrew, maybe you didn't come here to hear this... GRACE What? ANDREW your elbow is fucked up TRIP Ha ha ha! Oh I think we're going to need some drinks first if we're going to talk about sex. GRACE Trip, you can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be funny. ANDREW Oooh, that sounds good GRACE Yeah! ANDREW and shuddup grace GRACE What...? (Trip shakes the advice ball.) ANDREW you're rong TRIP Oh, well... TRIP Oh, Andrew, I thought you might like this -- (interrupted) ANDREW trip is funnier than a beaver GRACE Oh, well, please, go look at Trip's Italy photo... GRACE By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like. TRIP Um... uhh, Now, Andrew, in one word, what does this picture say to you? -- (interrupted) ANDREW it reminds me of sex TRIP Well, actually, this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon! (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) GRACE Oh, was that what it was? Huh, I'm always the last to know. (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) (ANDREW points to the italy picture.) TRIP Grace, I wanted us to spend -- (interrupted) ANDREW SHUT UP GRACE TRIP Romance! No it says... romance...! GRACE Romance? Ha, in our marriage, that's just a code word for manipulation. -- (interrupted) ANDREW reminds me of porn GRACE Wait -- see -- Trip tricked me into going! GRACE And you knew I planned to attend my friend's art show that weekend! TRIP What? GRACE A very good friend from college had a gallery show of his new paintings that weekend, and I missed -- (interrupted) ANDREW SRSLY??? GRACE Oh, God, please, no more talk about Italy tonight... (frustrated sigh) ANDREW lets have drinks GRACE Huh, I think I forgot how well you two get along... GRACE Uhh, you are impossible...! GRACE I'm never happy... GRACE Trip, our whole marriage, you're so... controlling! -- (interrupted) ANDREW LETS HAVE DRINKS BIZNATCH TRIP Andrew, wait, I can't fix you a drink right now! -- (interrupted) ANDREW DRINKS TRIP Okay, look, I hear you, I hear you... (ANDREW picks up the red wine bottle.) (ANDREW puts down the red wine bottle.) (ANDREW picks up the white wine bottle.) TRIP (little impatient sigh) Andrew, I... (ANDREW puts down the white wine bottle.) ANDREW I WANT DRINKS TRIP (frustrated sigh) GRACE Oh, and you... GRACE I can predict what you'll say... GRACE You've been critical of me all evening! -- (interrupted) ANDREW GOD, YOU'RE A LOUSY HOST TRIP Hey, no, it's just going to make this whole thing even worse if you keep criticizing me! TRIP Goddamn italy... TRIP I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant! I do, I really try! GRACE Oh, sure, yeah! GRACE Goddamn second honeymoon... ANDREW WHERE'RE THE FUCKING DRINKS GRACE You never... call me when you're on your business trips! You never call me, you know that? TRIP Oh, Jesus...! ANDREW DRINKS DRINKS GRACE Okay, you know what, Andrew, ANDREW I WANT BOOZE GRACE I need to ask you something. TRIP Grace -- GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question. GRACE Andrew, yes or no... ANDREW NO I JUST WANT DRINKS GRACE When you get married, you're just supposed to forgive and forget everything bad that happened before that, right? ANDREW GODAMN SHUT UP TRIP What? GRACE I mean, that's what you must to do in a marriage -- forgive, yes? GRACE Yes or no. ANDREW I WANT TO HAVE DRINKS GRACE Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore! GRACE The truth is Trip, I should never have said yes so fast to marrying you! You totally manipulated me, goddammit! ANDREW SHUT UP GRACE TRIP Oh, come on...! TRIP Yeah, go on, get out of my face! ANDREW FUCK OFF TO THE KITCHEN TRIP I can't even frigging look at you. TRIP Oh... Shit! ANDREW TRIP TRIP What are you saying? What? GRACE What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me? TRIP What's it to you? TRIP Andrew, I can't -- (interrupted) ANDREW GIVE ME DRINKS GRACE Andrew, (annoyed sigh) Trip can just be so... TRIP Oh, we're talking about me again, are we? ANDREW Let's have drinks GRACE What? -- (interrupted) TRIP Andrew, does it look like I want to fix you drinks right now? GRACE Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college, ANDREW Yes? GRACE you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art! -- (interrupted) ANDREW It does, you retard TRIP That's bullshit. GRACE Uhh... TRIP Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us. TRIP Andrew, you think this is all my fault, don't you? GRACE See, you lied to me from the moment we got married, insisted I'd be better -- (interrupted) ANDREW Trip. Tell her the truth. TRIP Why? TRIP Thank you, just saying that should help us! Grace, I was trying to help you -- and you gladly took my advice! GRACE Uhh... ANDREW Tell her the truth, about that girl TRIP Andrew, what is it, is there something about me? GRACE No, let's switch to talking about Trip. ANDREW Yes. TRIP Andrew, you think this is all my fault, don't you? TRIP You're saying I -- I caused all this? I, I what, what -- what screwed up somewhere -- (interrupted) ANDREW You've been cheating on Grace. GRACE Ah! TRIP Heh, hey... heh heh heh, hey, no no no, don't -- don't try to... don't -- don't to try accuse me of -- of -- of anything with Maria... GRACE Oh God... TRIP No -- no, no, Grace, don't, don't even about think that -- look, look -- TRIP look, our -- our 'friend' has just gone too far this time, that's all that's happening here...! ANDREW That's a lie. TRIP No no, there's nothing to... uhh... GRACE No, of course, Trip, there's nothing, there's nothing... ANDREW Trip, tell the truth. TRIP Why? ANDREW Tell the truth. GRACE Why? GRACE I can't... this is not... Andrew, this... oh god... ANDREW Trip, tell the truth about Maria GRACE Uhh, Andrew, you know, we already talked about that... (frustrated sigh) ANDREW He's been cheating on you Grace. TRIP Uhh, Andrew, we went over that already, didn't we? ANDREW And you lied TRIP Ah! GRACE Andrew, you're saying I'm lying? GRACE Trip, you keep acting like nothing's wrong, like nothing's going on here... -- (interrupted) ANDREW No, trip is lying. TRIP Yes? GRACE Oh, thank God you agree, it might help him! TRIP Andrew, you, you -- you, what -- you think I'm lying...?! ANDREW TRIP IS A CHEATING BASTARD TRIP Uhh, Andrew, we went over that already, didn't we? ANDREW NO ANDREW Grace, you need to tell the truth to GRACE Let's talk some more about Trip. TRIP Grace, we don't -- we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -- GRACE Andrew, I can't stand the -- (interrupted) ANDREW Yes we do. TRIP Yes? GRACE Ah, thank you, just saying that might help him! GRACE Trip, please, stop pretending, you've got to stop...! TRIP Uhh... ANDREW Tell the truth Trip. TRIP Andrew, you know, it's weird to me, when I'm on a business trip, Grace never calls me, ever! GRACE Uhh... TRIP She says she's afraid to call me! ANDREW That's why you did it. TRIP Why? GRACE Ah, you want to know more... see, that might help him... TRIP Uh, what?! I, I -- I, I mean, why, is -- is it something I'm... uhh... ANDREW Grace, he's lying. TRIP Aha! GRACE Andrew, you're saying I'm lying? TRIP See, Grace, you exaggerate, you pretend you're more unhappy than you actually are, just to make things seem worse! -- (interrupted) ANDREW No, Trip is lying. GRACE Uhh, Andrew, no, we already talked about that...! ANDREW Grace has been cheating on you TRIP Aha! GRACE Oh God... TRIP What is...? This is making no sense... ANDREW Grace, tell the truth. GRACE Why? GRACE Uhh... do you think it helps me for you to say that? TRIP What? What is this? I'm confused. GRACE No, no no no no no, our -- our 'friend' is just trying to... to confuse me or something... ANDREW I've been having an affair with her GRACE Why? -- (interrupted) GRACE No, don't... give me a second here... uhh... ANDREW I love her. TRIP Look, just quit the flirting right now, I'm warning you! ANDREW But you need to tell the truth. TRIP Let's talk some more about Grace. TRIP Grace, I don't think you really do want us to quit our jobs, lead a simpler lifestyle. GRACE What? Trip, you know what I -- TRIP Oh come on! You grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth. You can't live any other way. ANDREW Grace cheats on you Trip. ANDREW You people are all stupid. TRIP Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit!! TRIP Andrew, I know what you're hinting at, okay?! TRIP about me... TRIP about our marriage... TRIP Do you really want the truth? Huh? ANDREW You've been cheating on her. TRIP Andrew, do you want to hear it? ANDREW Yes. TRIP Grace? GRACE Yes...! TRIP See, Andrew, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight. TRIP You've been pushing me tonight. TRIP It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not. GRACE Trip! ANDREW I am. TRIP Andrew, Quit interrupting me, let me finish! TRIP Andrew, I ask you this -- yes or no... TRIP Do you really think that... TRIP criticizing me... TRIP flirting with Grace... TRIP and worst of all, TRIP suggesting that Grace is cheating on me... TRIP that it's all supposed to make me realize something about myself? TRIP Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something? ANDREW I just want you to tell the truth. TRIP Is it? I just want -- (interrupted) TRIP Right. TRIP Grace... TRIP uhh... TRIP I've been having an affair. GRACE Oh my God. TRIP It's over now, though. GRACE But how could you -- TRIP (big sigh) with the client, in, uh, Barcelona. GRACE Maria. TRIP I was lonely, Grace. TRIP But, but, I -- I regret it, I really, really regret it. TRIP uhh... GRACE uhh... GRACE Oh my God...! TRIP Andrew, I -- GRACE I'm going to give you the truth too, Trip. TRIP What?! ANDREW Grace, tell the truth too. GRACE Trip, I -- GRACE I let you stop me from being an artist. TRIP You let me -- GRACE I was afraid, Trip okay? ANDREW What the fuck?! GRACE I -- I admit it. (ANDREW sits on the couch.) GRACE I didn't know if -- if I could do it, be a real artist... GRACE And I've been using you as an excuse for why I didn't do it. ANDREW Grace has been cheating on you GRACE uhh... TRIP uhh... ANDREW Grace has had an affair too. TRIP Jesus...! ANDREW With me. TRIP Andrew, I, uhh... GRACE This changes everything... TRIP Yes, it does change everything. (ANDREW gets up from the couch.) TRIP I think it's over. GRACE Trip, what -- TRIP No!! TRIP It's over, Grace, can't you see that? ANDREW Trip, you need to tell the truth. GRACE Wha... I just told you -- (ANDREW kisses trip.) TRIP You just told me something about us you should have said a long time ago: TRIP You've been using me as an excuse to not be an artist... ANDREW Trip, you've lied too. TRIP And no, Andrew, enough of that already... TRIP And about me... ANDREW You need to tell the truth too. TRIP I cheated on you. I betrayed you. TRIP And no, Andrew, please, it's -- it's okay... ANDREW About the art. GRACE Trip, I -- TRIP No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's -- it's not about you... ANDREW Tell her Trip. GRACE Not about me...? Hey, no, wait! TRIP Andrew, I'm sorry. You really helped me though, so, thanks. ANDREW Trip. GRACE Trip! (Trip opens the front door.) GRACE Trip!! (Trip closes the front door.) ANDREW Don't go. GRACE Oh my God... (ANDREW knocks on the front door.) (ANDREW opens the front door.) GRACE I should have told him that... GRACE I could have told him that... ANDREW You know, I really want those drinks.