FACADE STAGEPLAY Mon Jul 16 12 39 08 2007 GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this? TRIP What, Grace... this? (Andrew knocks on the front door.) (Andrew knocks on the front door.) GRACE Yes, you -- (interrupted) TRIP Oh, he's here! GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now! TRIP No, he's right on time! GRACE God... Trip! (Trip opens the front door.) TRIP Andrew!! TRIP Hi! It's so great to see you! It's been a while how's it going? ANDREW Hi handsome! TRIP Yeah, hi! (ANDREW hugs trip.) TRIP Wow, it's really really great to see you. TRIP So come on in! ANDREW ;) TRIP Y -- yeah, come in! -- (interrupted) GRACE No, no, here we are! GRACE Andrew, GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time! ANDREW Hey grace. GRACE Aw, ha ha ha! GRACE And I have to say, you look great. GRACE So come on in, make yourself at home! -- (interrupted) ANDREW Wow, trip is hot tonight. GRACE Uh... TRIP Heh heh, Andrew, seeing you brings back good memories, you know? (Trip closes the front door.) GRACE Yes, it does. H-mmm (happy smile sound) -- (interrupted) ANDREW Of what? TRIP Oh, well, uh, we've, uh... we've missed you. TRIP Whoa I just realized something! GRACE What... TRIP We have to celebrate! Tonight's a special night! GRACE It is? TRIP Andrew, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us. TRIP Senior year of college! GRACE Oh... geez... -- (interrupted) ANDREW Oh yeah! TRIP Ha ha! So we really want to thank you for years and years of... GRACE Pain. ANDREW I remember that I loved you! TRIP Heh -- (interrupted) GRACE Andrew, I think you're flirting with me to get on my good side heh. ANDREW No, with Trip. GRACE Well... it didn't take long for you two to... bond, or whatever... ANDREW Women are ugly. GRACE So, Andrew, you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha. -- (interrupted) ANDREW You don't know??? TRIP Ah, yes, Andrew, I knew you'd like it. See, Grace? GRACE (frustrated sigh) ANDREW Trip, Grace... I'm gay. TRIP Well hold on, hold on, take a closer look, give it a chance to soak in a little. ANDREW No, I'm gay. GRACE (frustrated -- (interrupted) GRACE Uh, yes, this room is a complete mess, isn't it? ANDREW wtf??? TRIP Well, it's funny how after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace finds the time to decorate... and re-decorate... GRACE Ha ha, uhh, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out. ANDREW I AM GAY. GRACE Oh, how nice, I've been waiting so long for someone to say that! TRIP Wait, what? GRACE Trip, our friend has just been refreshingly honest about my decorating, which I really appreciate. TRIP Huh... okay, good, that's -- that's good... -- (interrupted) ANDREW But... I... GRACE Uhh, um, well, I'm really pleased to finally hear someone's honest opinion. TRIP Oh, Andrew, take -- (interrupted) ANDREW I am gay. I am a homosexual. TRIP N -- no, no, come look at this Italy photo! TRIP Andrew, Come here, I want you to look at this! ANDREW But... WHAT THE FUCK??? TRIP Ha ha! Oh I think we're going to need some drinks first if we're going to talk about sex. GRACE Trip, come on, that's not funny. TRIP (little sigh) Some days you're the -- (interrupted) ANDREW Oooh, I like orgies. GRACE Hey, uh -- GRACE did you -- ANDREW With guys. GRACE did you pick up -- (interrupted) TRIP uh... ANDREW Have you met my boyfriend, smort GRACE Andrew, come over here and sit on the couch with me. TRIP No, hold on. Now, -- (interrupted) GRACE Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable. (ANDREW sits on the couch.) TRIP (little sigh) Well this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon. GRACE Trip, don't exaggerate... it was just a weekend getaway. TRIP uhh... GRACE (big sigh) GRACE Oh God, -- (interrupted) ANDREW Damn, I'm feeling hot. (ANDREW gets up from the couch.) TRIP Y -- yeah, yeah, n - no no no, wait, uh, w - what's wrong, Grace? GRACE Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend. TRIP Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that... GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend -- TRIP Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. We're, we're not. TRIP (frustrated sigh) Sheejus. -- (interrupted) ANDREW Geez, your reaction is strange. GRACE You don't agree? Okay, well... ANDREW Most people freak out when they... TRIP Okay, well, I was worried there for a bit you were on Grace's side tonight, heh heh, heh. TRIP You know what? It's about time... TRIP I fix us some drinks! GRACE Pssh... I knew that was coming, heh. TRIP When it comes to drinking, I -- I generally -- (interrupted) ANDREW OK hottie. ANDREW Can I have a sangria? TRIP So... drinks... TRIP This is great... For us I'm going to open an amazing, I mean, exquisite Bordeaux. ANDREW Sangria TRIP W -- well, uh, I'm going to open an exquisite Bordeaux! -- (interrupted) TRIP Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special -- GRACE God Trip, you're just like my dad with the whole wine snob thing. TRIP I'll take that as a compliment. -- (interrupted) ANDREW Let's have fermented cow urine. TRIP I'm going to get rid of it! I'm going to get rid of it! Everybody, get off my back already! (frustrated sigh) ANDREW Let's have cosmo's TRIP So... how does a Bordeaux -- (interrupted) TRIP No no I really think we should have this wine, trust me, trust me! GRACE Andrew, maybe you'd like just a simple glass of white wine? ANDREW Cosmopolitan TRIP Yeah, no, we need to open this wine! Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it! GRACE (frustrated sigh) TRIP I've been dying to try this Bordeaux for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity -- ANDREW WHAT THE FUCK GRACE That's not our anniversary wine is it? GRACE That's not the Bordeaux we saved from our wedding, that we were going to drink on our tenth wedding anniversary, RIGHT?! TRIP Whoops. TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane! TRIP Goddamn anniversary wine... TRIP Grace, I do one little thing wrong, and you're cold and distant! Just one thing wrong, that's all it takes! GRACE (impatient sigh) -- (interrupted) ANDREW I WANT TO HUMP YOU TRIP GRACE What? What are you saying to me? GRACE Our anniversary wine! GRACE Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel! TRIP Oh, god...! GRACE Okay, you know what, Andrew, GRACE I need to ask you something. (ANDREW picks up the red wine bottle.) (ANDREW puts down the red wine bottle.) TRIP Grace -- (ANDREW picks up the white wine bottle.) GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question. ANDREW THIS IS THE WINE, RIGHT? GRACE Andrew, yes or no... GRACE In a marriage, shouldn't you try to help the other person get what they want? TRIP What? ANDREW glug, glug, glug, glug. GRACE Look, don't bother answering, I don't need to hear it! (ANDREW puts down the white wine bottle.) GRACE You keep trying to tell me you love me, Trip, that you're so romantic, but I know you're hiding something from me, goddammit! ANDREW I LIKE WINEZ TRIP Oh, come on...! TRIP Yeah, go on, get out of my face! (ANDREW kisses trip.) TRIP I can't stand frigging looking at you! TRIP What the... goddammit! ANDREW Trip, do you love me? TRIP Hold on, wait, what, y -- you're trying to explain this to me? GRACE What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me? TRIP I was not talking to you! (ANDREW kisses trip.) TRIP Uhh, no, uhh... don't -- don't do that! GRACE What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me? TRIP No! ANDREW Trip, I love you. TRIP Andrew, I can't believe this is happening...! (ANDREW sits on the couch.) (ANDREW gets up from the couch.) TRIP uhh... ANDREW You're as good as smort. GRACE Andrew, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so... TRIP Oh ho, so we're talking about me, are we? GRACE What? ANDREW I wuv my smortypoos. GRACE Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college, -- (interrupted) ANDREW HOLY FUCK GRACE Sex, sex, sex, why is sex such a big deal? TRIP What? GRACE Why do people always talk about it so much, when it just makes so many people so unhappy? TRIP Uhh! What... I... ANDREW YOU JuST walked throught the ba GRACE No, look, I'm just saying... sex seems like it's more trouble than it's worth. TRIP Oh God, this is so depressing... GRACE It does! ANDREW WHAT???!?!?!? TRIP Uhh... TRIP Oh my God... I cannot frigging believe this... uhh... TRIP Uhh... (ANDREW hugs trip.) TRIP No, uhh... Andrew, what I need is to figure out what hell is going here... ANDREW Trip, I love you. TRIP Look, just quit the flirting right now, I'm warning you! ANDREW I'm cheating on you. GRACE Let's continue focusing on Trip. GRACE Andrew, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage -- TRIP Grace, don't, no, you don't need to -- GRACE Admits that our marriage is not -- TRIP Stop it, stop it! (annoyed sigh) ANDREW Grace. GRACE Uhh...! God...! ANDREW Tell the truth. TRIP Okay, no, I want to focus on Grace. GRACE You know, Trip, whenever I really try to talk honestly about things, you... -- (interrupted) ANDREW You're cheating on Trip. TRIP Aha! GRACE Oh God... TRIP What is...? This is making no sense... ANDREW You are Grace. TRIP What? What is this? I'm confused. GRACE No, no no no no no, our -- our 'friend' is just trying to... to confuse me or something... -- (interrupted) ANDREW I know you are. TRIP Let's keep talking about Grace. GRACE See, Andrew, I... uhh... I've been very lonely. ANDREW Grace is cheating on you Trip. ANDREW Trip, listen to her. GRACE Ah! TRIP Andrew, you're saying I don't... communicate? TRIP No, wait a minute, I reach out to Grace, I really do...! -- (interrupted) ANDREW I love you Trip. TRIP You know what, Andrew, that's it, you need to leave. TRIP We invited you over, but this is just not working out. ANDREW Grace is cheating on you. (Trip opens the front door.) TRIP We'll be fine -- just go. (Trip closes the front door.) ANDREW SMORT, HELP MEEEEEEEEE