134927    yelyos [HP_Owner@CPE001a70d8cef9-CM0011e6c43569.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com] has joined #transsexual_support
134932 <yelyos> I think I've figured out what my issue is
134943 <yelyos> I think I have an addiction to being different from transsexuals
135005 <yelyos> and so I go to trans rooms to set myself apart by having different opinions and a different transition trajectory
135043 <yelyos> but it ends up being an addiction with a great deal of inner turmoil and frustration, because being in the trans rooms in the first place is doing 
                something similar to transsexuals
135226 <+kay_> that sounds difficult
135249 <+kay_> what makes it an addiction?
135356 <@ivy> hi yelyos 
135402    mode/#transsexual_support [+v yelyos] by ivy
135442 <@ivy> yelyos: there isn't one type of trassexual
135447 * ivy shrugs
135509    kay_ [kailyn@c-24-19-154-26.hsd1.mn.comcast.net] has quit [Quit: This computer has gone to sleep]
135810 <+yelyos> I'm aware of that.
135837 <+yelyos> I can build whatever arguments I want against having my addiction
135841 <+yelyos> that doesn't make it go away
135901 <@mitra> basically what you're saying is you're a troll
135902 <@mitra> :)
135907 <+yelyos> I still feel distressed if I don't get sated occasionally with contrasting my life story with a transsexual
135918 <+yelyos> well, it would certainly explain that
135922 <@ivy> so basically yelyos you're up yourself.
135927 <+yelyos> but I don't think that's the lot of it
135939 <+yelyos> up myself?
135943 <@ivy> hrm
135948 <+yelyos> I have a serious problem with this
135956 <@ivy> sorry english slang which is used over here i think
140016 <@ivy> it means you're full of your own selfimportance
140041 <+yelyos> that's not it either.
140112 <+yelyos> this is something very, very specific to transsexuality, and it's not needing to feel important or better
140115 <+yelyos> just different
140235 <+yelyos> like, if someone has D cups, I feel good because my breasts are smaller; if someone says they knew at 3, I feel good because I knew at 14; if someone 
                 transitioned at 50, I feel good because I transitioned at 15; if someone wore female clothing before transition, I feel good because I put it off until 
                 I was passable 
140237 <@mitra> that doesnt sound specific to transsexuality
140241 <@mitra> that sounds like being a teenager
140254 <+yelyos> this is only applicable to transsexuality
140305 <+yelyos> I always enjoy finding similar people in any other context
140321 <+yelyos> I don't particularily care for feeling different than others
140323 <@mitra> how can others experiences being different make you feel better, if youre not just simply arrogant?
140337 <@mitra> it makes no difference to you if i wear girls clothes or not
140355 <+yelyos> If I need to probe it probably has its origins in fear
140411 <+yelyos> I feel a vague sense of panic over transsexuality
140419 <@mitra> well get over, and stop using others to make yourself feel better. it's not different from bullying
140421 <+yelyos> and it's eased whenever someone says something that's a difference
140440 <@mitra> no it's not when someone says something that is different
140454 <@mitra> it's when you think of yourself better than that person because of that difference
140458 <+yelyos> mitra: it doesn't have to be that they did things "worse"
140500 <@mitra> and again, that's just bullying
140514 <@mitra> your example seemed to suggest it
140517 <+yelyos> if someone transitioned at 11 or knew at 3 it also makes me feel better
140530 <+yelyos> plus, the very first example is something that goes the other way
140539 <+yelyos> it's not an advantage that I have less breast development
140551 <@mitra> your right
140554 <@mitra> it makes no difference
140556 <@mitra> so get over it
140613 <+yelyos> That's like telling someone chronically depressed to "get over it"
140624 <+yelyos> I'm fully aware of this and fully aware that it's negative and I'd like to get it out of my life
140643 <+yelyos> I'm just having trouble erasing the underlying feeling of panic that underlies it
140656 <@mitra> no someone who is depressed isnt placing themselves above others and using insecure transsexuals online to do it
140716 <+yelyos> I said I don't do that stuff nowadays
140737 <+yelyos> many people are more than willing to describe their transition histories in trans channels
140743 <@mitra> i realize
140758 <+yelyos> Plus, I already said it wasn't about "above" or "below"
140801 <@mitra> but it doesn't have to be a cockwaving contest, thinking you are better because you did it differently
140809 <+yelyos> or "better"
140817 <@mitra> i know you dont say it, but that's the strong impression i get
140836 <+yelyos> It may be the impression you get because it makes me feel better
140841 <+yelyos> and so I act accordingly
140849 <@mitra> lol
140851 <@mitra> how meta
140854 <+yelyos> It's like a drug
140902 <+yelyos> it's an addiction
140904 <+yelyos> but that's the first thing I said
140917 <@mitra> the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem
140937 <+yelyos> Well, that's where I'm going with this.
140948 <+yelyos> I know I've had a problem for a while
140956 <+yelyos> I haven't been able to quantify it like this until now
141027 <+yelyos> from my perspective, the panic and unease under the surface is the underlying problem
141037    kailyn [ubuntu@c-24-19-154-26.hsd1.wa.comcast.net] has joined #transsexual_support
141038 <@mitra> i think though you're just justifying to yourself your trolling
141039 <@mitra> lol
141041 <kailyn> guh
141043 <+yelyos> and hearing the life stories of transsexuals is just what I do to satiate myself
141043 <@mitra> wb
141052 <+yelyos> it's not even on chatrooms much of the time
141100 <+yelyos> most of the time I'll just go to susans and read from there
141107 <+yelyos> and I never post on any message boards
141108 <@mitra> well you can deal with the panic and unease without using others
141120 <+yelyos> is it using when it's limited to reading message boards?
141130 <kailyn> I don't know, using transgendered chats and forums is a common compulsion for those in the midst of transition
141143 <+yelyos> mitra: if I can, I haven't found a way yet
141154 <+yelyos> if you're considering what I do to be "using others"
141159 <@mitra> you can gain self confidence a number of ways