`So then you won't fight?'
`Yes, your Honour,' I said, `that's right.'
`Now is it that you simply aren't willing,
Or have you a fundamental moral objection to killing?'
Says the judge, blowing his nose
And making his words stand to attention in long rows.
I stand to attention too, but with half a grin
(In my time I've done a good many in).
`No objection at all, sir,' I said.
`There's a deal of the world I'd rather see dead- Such as Johnny Stubbs or Fred Settle or my last landlord, Mr Syme.
Give me a gun and your blessing, your Honour,
and I'll be killing them all the time.
But my conscience says a clear no
To killing a crowd of gentlemen I don't know.
Why, I'd as soon think of killing a worshipful judge,
High~court, like yourself (against whom, God knows, I've got no grudge- So far), as murder a heap of foreign folk.
If you've got no grudge, you've got no joke To laugh at after.'
Now the words never come flowing Proper for me till I get the old pipe going.
And just as I was poking Down baccy, the judge looks up sharp with `No smoking, Mr Dooley. We're not fighting this war for fun.
And we want a clearer reason why you refuse to carry a gun.
This war is not a personal feud, it's a fight
Against wrong ideas on behalf of the Right.
Mr Dooley, won't you help to destroy evil ideas?'
`Ah, your Honour, here's The tragedy,' I said. `I'm not a man of the mind.
I couldn't find it in my heart to be unkind To an idea. I wouldn't know one if I saw one.
I haven't one of my own.
So I'd best be leaving other people's alone.'
`Indeed,' he sneers at me, `this defence is
Curious for someone with convictions in two senses.
A criminal invokes conscience to his aid
To support an individual withdrawal from a communal crusade
Sanctioned by God, led by the Church, against a godless, churchless nation!'
I asked his Honour for a translation.
`You talk of conscience,' he said. `What do you know of the Christian Creedl'
`Nothing, sir, except what I can read. That's the most you can hope for from us jail-birds.
I just open the book here and there and look at the words.
And I find when the Lord himself misliked an evil notion
He turned it into a pig and drove it squealing over a cliff into the ocean,
And the loony ran away
And lived to think another day.
There was a clean job done and no blood shed!
Everybody happy and forty wicked thoughts drowned dead.
A neat and Christian murder. None of your mad slaughter
Throwing away the brains with the blood and the baby with the bathwater.
Now I look at the war as a sportsman. It's a matter of choosing The decentest way of losing.
Heads or tails, losers or winners,
We all lose, we're all damned sinners.
And I'd rather be with the poor cold people at the wall that's shot
Than the bloody guilty devils in the firing-line, in Hell and keeping hot.'
`But what right, Dooley, what right,' he cried,
`Have you to say the Lord is on your sidel'
`That's a dirty crooked question,' back I roared. `I said not the Lord was on my side,
but I was on the side of the Lord.'
Then he was up at me and shouting,
But by and by he calms: `Now we're not doubting Your sincerity, Dooley, only your arguments,
Which don't make sense.'
(`Hullo,' I thought, `that's the wrong way round. I may be skylarking a bit, but my brainpan's sound.')
Then biting his nail and sugaring his words sweet: `Keep your head, Mr Dooley. Religion is clearly not up your street.
But let me ask you as a plain patriotic fellow Whether you'd standthere so smug and yellow
If the foe were attacking your own dear sister.'
`I'd knock their brains out, mister,
On the floor,' I said. `There,' he says kindly,
`I knew you were no pacifist. It's your straight duty as a man to enlist. The enemy is at the door.'
You could have downed Me with a feather. `Wherel' I gasp, looking round.
`Not this door,' he says angered. `Don't play the clown.
But they're two thousand miles away planning to do us down.
Why, the news is full of the deeds of those murders and rapers.'
`Your Eminence,' I said, `my father told me never to believe the papers But to go by my eyes,
And at two thousand miles the poor things can't tell truth from lies.'
His fearful spectacles glittered like the moon: `For the last time what right
Has a man like you to refuse to fightl'
`More right,' I said, `than you.
You've never murdered a man, so you don't know what it is I won't do.
I've done it in good hot blood, so haven't I the right to make bold To declare that I shan't do it in coldl'
Then the judge rises in a great rage And writes Dooley is a Traitor in black upon a page
And tells me I must die.
`What, mel' says I.
`If you still won't fight.'
`Well, yes, your Honour,' I said, `that's right.'