Shawile says:
but i was just making sure you knew what you were doing to her
Josh says:
I'm just afraid of losing her
Josh says:
even as a friend
Shawile says:
maybe by pushing too hard you are
Josh says:
If you do somehow end up with her. I'm not sure how serious you were about moving there after school, but if you do...you should make sure you don' t lose her because i honestly have never met anyone like her.
Shawile says:
ya shes pretty special, and i like where we are right now, so i think we're fine
Josh says:
i'm just saying...even if she doesn't ever want to talk to me...which i don't know...i hope you are actually do care about her like that. She deserves the best
Shawile says:
of course i care, and i like to think i am the best for her
Josh says:
good
Josh says:
I'm sorry for being a dick to you
Shawile says:
its ok, i know its hard when we both like the same girl...
Josh says:
yeah. I have issues with being insecure about being hurt
Josh says:
and she sorta made me realize it
Josh says:
I mean I always knew I had that, but sometimes I forget that I need to tone myself down
Shawile says:
then i guess it was for the best to help you realize
Josh says:
yeah, but I'm still going to lose her
Josh says:
even as a friend
Shawile says:
sometimes you need to let the ones you love go if its for the best for them
Josh says:
not as a friend
Josh says:
but that's up to her
Josh says:
I just have to deal with w/e happens
Shawile says:
that you do...and writing helps
Josh says:
I know
Josh says:
I'm just tired of losing people I care about
Josh says:
maybe it's me or maybe I am cursed or maybe it's just I have shitty judgement
Josh says:
idk
Shawile says:
probably shitty judgment if any of those, but everyone gets hurt. at least it will help with your writing. most writers seem to be pained
Josh says:
most writers tend to be emotional and care more about people
Josh says:
but honestly...if it keeps happeing to you where you lose people you care about constantly...you can;t tell me you won't be pained too
Shawile says:
everyone loses people they care about, you just have to learn to get over it, use it artisticly like i do, i draw away my feelings
Josh says:
you're feelings never go away
Josh says:
they only get put away
Josh says:
no matter what, every time you think of people you have been hurt by, it will hurt then
Shawile says:
or you can learn from it and move on and see it as a learning experience
Josh says:
it will still hurt though
Shawile says:
but you can't concentrate on the pain all the time
Josh says:
it's sort of hard not to learn
Shawile says:
think of good tings too
Josh says:
Of course you don't concentrate on it
Josh says:
if you do, you need therapy
Josh says:
the difference is that it hits harder on some people
Josh says:
pain, and sadness are different from depression in that depression you do concentrate on only negative
Josh says:
trst me, I have good things to think about
Josh says:
it's just there is a lot more bad things at the moment
Shawile says:
you just are going to have to think of the better things in order to not hurt so much
Josh says:
that's what I am doing
Josh says:
am I bothering you?
Shawile says:
no don't worry
Josh says:
ok
Shawile says:
maybe you should see writing as just putting all the bad emotions down on paper so that they aren't in you to think about, i bet that would be more theraputic
Josh says:
it's a way to displace my emotion
Josh says:
but it's still in me
Josh says:
just not bursting out
Shawile says:
well there you go that would be much better, maybe thats what you should do about emma, except not only write about the bad feeling but write about the good ones before aswell, so that you can think of the good times
Josh says:
you make it seem like I'm never going to talk to her again
Josh says:
tell me...do you never want me to talk to her again?
Josh says:
and I do do that already
Josh says:
hence my poems
Josh says:
and stories
Shawile says:
no i'm perfectly comfortable with you talking to her, don't worry
Josh says:
do you feel like you just won her from me?
Shawile says:
i didn't know it was a competition...
Josh says:
me either
Josh says:
it just seems like it with the way you are talking about it
Josh says:
I was going to say, you shouldn't think of her as a prize
Josh says:
idk if you realize it, but it does seem like you are being a little spiteful with how you are talking
Shawile says:
i don't think of her as a prize, shes a person...that i happen to like. i'm not trying to be spiteful, if that is how its comeing off
Josh says:
it's coming off that way
Josh says:
and I'm glad you don't think of her like that
Josh says:
then I would be hostile
Josh says:
I can't stand when people treat other people like that
Shawile says:
well then luckily i don't see her as that...i like to think i treat her with respect 
Josh says:
That's the way it should be
Shawile says:
of course
Josh says:
how did you go from straight to les?
Josh says:
have you always been attracted to girls?
Josh says:
I think that's one thing that upsets me
Shawile says:
i don't like to think of it as to black and white...theres a whole lot of grey and degrees to which people can like people. this would be the first time i have thought of a girl like this
Josh says:
I was't expecting you to sweep the legs from under me like that
Josh says:
of course there is grey
Josh says:
there is always grey
Josh says:
but people still know who they are
Josh says:
usually
Shawile says:
i don't feel the need to put myself into society's labels because sometimes labels don't always fit
Josh says:
labels aren't anything
Josh says:
it's human made
Josh says:
no one fits into any catagory
Josh says:
but still
Shawile says:
exactly so i can still know who i am and not have to label myself
Josh says:
this has nothing to do with labeling
Josh says:
people still know where they stand
Josh says:
before you made it seem like you would never be with a girl
Shawile says:
well stances change as special people come into your life and change them
Josh says:
there's a lot of special guys in my life
Shawile says:
and at that point thats what i thought but i guess the right one hadnt come yet
Josh says:
but I'm not attracted
Shawile says:
well i have a lot of special girls in my life that i'm not attracted to either
Josh says:
so what's different about her that attracts you?
Shawile says:
i just don't know, theres something about her
Josh says:
That's where i'm confused about all of this
Shawile says:
i don't see why you find it so hard to believe i like her
Josh says:
because it's just like you turned a switch on and all of a sudden you're attracted to a girl
Shawile says:
A girl
Josh says:
it doesn't make sense to me
Shawile says:
doesn't mean i'm no longer attracted to guys
Josh says:
but how are you all of a suden attracted to a girl?
Josh says:
I mean I thought you guys could be great friends but I didn't think this could happen
Shawile says:
sometimes these things happen, i can't stop my feelings
Josh says:
I question everything
Josh says:
so things happen isn't a viable answer
Josh says:
and I'm not trying to piss you off
Josh says:
I'm just curious
Shawile says:
well there isn't yet an answer to everything
Josh says:
there is
Josh says:
just not found
Shawile says:
exactly
Shawile says:
this one happens to not be found
Josh says:
but something liek this, idk how it couldn't be known
Shawile says:
what do you mean?
Josh says:
I don't know how you can't tell me how you just turned on a lesbian side of you like that
Shawile says:
i guess it was always there and i just needed the right girl to show me
Josh says:
people know when they are attracted to one sex or both somewhat early
Shawile says:
not always
Josh says:
like you said, you have awesome girls in your life
Josh says:
so why not them/
Josh says:
/
Josh says:
?


Shawile says:
i just don't see them that way
Josh says:
why?
Shawile says:
its just how i feel
Shawile says:
you can't like everyone
Josh says:
of course
Josh says:
but I still don't see an answer in this
Shawile says:
that is because no one knows how exactly the brain works yet
Josh says:
the brain isn't all involved
Josh says:
but when it comes to the brain and being attracted, they know how that works
Shawile says:
well contrary to popular belief i don't believe the heart thinks
Josh says:
I don't either
Shawile says:
then what else can be involved?
Josh says:
External elements
Shawile says:
like her?
Josh says:
things affecting your life
Josh says:
no
Josh says:
like for me as an example
Josh says:
the reason for me being so insecure about losing people is because it's happened to me
Josh says:
a lot
Josh says:
so now that has chnaged how I do things
Shawile says:
not everything can work out
Shawile says:
you have just tried more times than most
Shawile says:
and they just happened to not be meant to be
Josh says:
the point I'm saying is there is more than your brain that is affecting decisions
Josh says:
have you ever thoguht about why this has all come about/
Josh says:
?.
Shawile says:
why can't she just be a great girl that i happen to like?
Josh says:
because there has to be a reason you just completely changed something in your life
Shawile says:
i haven't completly changed
Josh says:
i mean suddenly becoming attracted to girls isn't a minor thing
Shawile says:
girl! i have yet to be attracted to other girls, it must be a personality thing
Josh says:
you can't have a relationship with someone unless you are somehow physically attracted
Josh says:
no matter what people say about personality being the important thing
Josh says:
*the only
Shawile says:
it is important, but that has what drawn me to her, now i'm attracted to her
Shawile says:
as a whole
Shawile says:
its like if someone you love got horribly dissfigured you would still accept them and love them for who they are...its pretty much the same thing, i love and accept her even though shes has a vagina not a penis
Josh says:
there is a difference if someone was disfigured before you met them or after you loved them
Josh says:
if it happened while you loved them of course that woudln't change things
Josh says:
but you just met her like a week or so ago
Shawile says:
well i haven't really seen her so i fell for the personality, and it won't change things when i see her
Shawile says:
and you too seem to have fallen for her perhaps harder than i have, so what does time have to do with it
Josh says:
you're not getting what I am saying
Shawile says:
apparently not
Josh says:
you haven't been with her long enough to not let her physical attributes affect you
Josh says:
so there has to be a reason why you are attracted to her physically
Shawile says:
"you haven't been with her long enough to not let her physical attributes affect you" i don't understand what you mean here at all...theres some confusing double negatives going on
Josh says:
in order to like her like that, you have to be attracted to her physically
Josh says:
the fact that you haven't been with her long enough makes it that you want to be with her not only because of her personality, but because of her looks
Josh says:
which is what I asked about originally
Josh says:
how you can be attracted to her all of a sudden by her looks
Josh says:
You only wanting to be with her now because of how awesome she is is like me saying I found this amazing girl, but she looks like an ogre
Josh says:
I'm not attracted to an ogre so I can't be with her
Shawile says:
um i don't know what she looks like
Josh says:
if you're not attracted to girls, how are you wanting to be with her?
Josh says:
as more than friends
Shawile says:
as a girl i can see the beauty in other girls, i'm not all like fuck all girls are gross
Josh says:
girls don't have a special ability in seeing beauty in things
Josh says:
you're missing my point
Shawile says:
yes we tend to be more comfortable with ourselves
Shawile says:
and i really seem to be
Josh says:
that is a gernalization
Shawile says:
well you are generally saying its impossible that any one can randomly start likeing someone of the same sex
Josh says:
the point is you're not attracted to girls so how can you be attracted to her. being attracted to her by only personality at this point and time is not a valid reason
Josh says:
it is impossible
Josh says:
unless there are other reaosns
Shawile says:
i said i'm not attracted to other girls i'm not all about boobs and stuff i can agree that she may be pretty and why isn't that good enough
Josh says:
because being attracted to someone is almost as important to a realtionship as liking their personality
Josh says:
and it's what usually leads into learning about someone's personality
Josh says:
being attracted is important
Shawile says:
well in this case it happens to be opposite since its her personality that got me first, and then it can lead into a more physical attraction
Josh says:
so you are now saying you are physically attracted to a girl?
Shawile says:
yes i guess so, she hooked me
Josh says:
which is why I asnwered my question in the first place...How? You either have been attracted to girls before or there is an external element affecting your mind set
Shawile says:
ok like i said, the external element is her, and perhaps i have i just hadn't realized till she came around
Josh says:
she isn't an external element I mean
Shawile says:
she is, shes not a figment of my imagination
Josh says:
an example of one would be someone turning les because of their experiences with guys and now they hate them
Josh says:
and if you have always been attracted to girls, then that would be an answer I am looking for
Shawile says:
having a bad experience with a guy does not make you hate all guys
Shawile says:
and automaticly turn lez
Josh says:
it does some girls
Shawile says:
maybe after they've been with you
Shawile says:
sorry that was uncalled for
Josh says:
me?
Josh says:
it was
Josh says:
I've never had a girl turn les on me and I never said all girls
Josh says:
plus I'm just asking because I'm curious
Shawile says:
well i can't explain it, i'm sorry i can't be more helpfull, it just has happened and i have accepted it
Josh says:
fair enough
Josh says:
now you just have something tto think about
Shawile says:
i guess so, but i have come to terms with these knew feelings and don't really care where they came from
Josh says:
It's good that you have, but I personally like to know why and how everything happens
Josh says:
especially if it has to do with me
Shawile says:
my feelings have nothing to do with you though
Shawile says:
they are my feeligns
Josh says:
Doesn't make me any less curious
Josh says:
and it does now that it was affecting things between me and emmah in a way
Josh says:
But now I have my answers and you don't have to talk to me about it anymore. It's yours to think about
Shawile says:
well i'm glad i gave you some answers even if they weren't what you wanted
Josh says:
What I wanted is answers
Josh says:
that's all