I'm not Cordelia.‏
From: 	H . (nineinchnails777@hotmail.com)
Sent: 	July 7, 2007 4:33:25 PM
To: 	sayed_mostafa_sayed@hotmail.com

man, I don't know how to do this anymore. like, write proper emails. I'm so out of practice. I used to write Nick a lot. only because he wrote me a lot. now that's been void for quite a few months.. I actually talked to him last night. I think things are better with Natasha and him, or as good as they can be right now. at least they've talked about everything that happened. so I felt like I could talk to him again - since I was just waiting until I thought it would be ok to do so.. anyway, it was good talking to him again. it felt natural.. like it wasn't awkward or anything, at least I didn't feel it. I know it'll never be how it was, but I'm just glad we're friends again.

yeah that's the thing about me writing emails. I kind of go on and on. I try to throw some punctuation in there, you know, occasionally.

I don't like it.. when you don't tell me things. I let it go that night, but I had to ask you about it again last night. but yeah, I understand you probably don't want to talk to me about everything, and that's fine. don't let me push you. and your writing doesn't bore me! don't hesitate to send me anything/everything. I'll read it. maybe even out loud!

I think I can identify with how you feel about.. well, feeling insignificant. especially with family.. but I mean, even if it's not spoken of.. or expressed, I know that my family loves me. and that's enough. it's more so my siblings than my father.. which is fine with me. I was never close to my dad. I was the closest one in my family to my mom. and then I have my friends, and sometimes they're really important to me, in my life, and at other times, I know they don't matter as much. you shouldn't really rely on others.. to make you feel significant or important. I mean, you have to be ok, on your own. I know sometimes that's hard, and you strive to gain the love of others. you don't always get what you want though, right? and even if it's not as much as you'd like.. it's still there. you still have your family, and your friends. they're a part of your life, and you a part of theirs. whether this was useful or even coherent or not.. well, I'm so not gonna go back and read it. I hate reading my own writing.

oh, and for the record.. not everything is too good to be true. ok? as in, somethings exist only in stories, but not everything. that's all I'll really say. you live, you learn type-thing. don't rule everything out. you don't know half of what could be coming.

this email took really long to write. not the actual writing part.. I kind of abandoned it midway because Nick started talking to me, and when he left, I came back to it. so now I feel tired of writing in here, even though I didn't do that much writing.

it'll be better next time, don't worry.

The above is a response to:

From: "Sayed Kade" <sayed_mostafa_sayed@hotmail.com>
To: nineinchnails777@hotmail.com
Subject: My buisness be with devils this 'eve
Date: Sat, 07 Jul 2007 00:40:15 -0600
>Heya, I thought I may as well write you an e-mail. I apologise, i'm
>at fault for not writing you more, I wish I did. Please read this
>e-mail aloud, you always made my e-mails, or anyone's sound multiple
>times better when you did. Back when we talked. The thought of you
>reading this aloud is inspiring enough, so here goes.
>
>Last evening, why I was unhappy? Well a few things. First, I was
>thinking a lot about my recent changes with regards, to you know..
>My thoughts and beliefs. I kind of realized that what I wanted was
>fantasized, it was something that I couldn't find in this sort of a
>life.. Something. Like.. I dunno if I should describe it. Like, what
>I want him to be like.. Or wanted.. Not this time.. Remind me,
>though.
>
>So yeah, I realized that such things exist only in stories, so I am
>writing of it.. I'll send you some excerpts, i've made you bored
>enough as it is with my other writings however. Something else that
>contributed to my mood was my insignificance and appreciation
>respectively.. I mean, I mean so little so many people. My father
>expects like.. Nothing of me, but I keep striving to please him, and
>when I do, he expects more right away. He demands excellence of me.
>I want to mean something, but that's just me ranting, not any sort
>of idea i've formulated yet.
>
>Now, i'll tell you of my late dream.
>
>I am walking in a park, it's early in the morning, I think it is the
>same scene of me waking up early one morning walking to school at
>around 6:00 A.M, but i'm not walking to school, just walking. It's
>foggy and I see someone ahead of me in a dark coat, slim and the
>auroma of a cologne is in the air, this person looks back at me, its
>a like 20-30 year old guy, I don't remember details but he kind of
>just leaves after looking at me for a while. As I walk through the
>park I reach a wooded thicket and I look through it. I see myself
>there, but I can't move, I can only watch. I'm younger and i'm
>playing with some sort of lego set and suddenly I start to sink into
>the ground, I begin to sit down and cry, overwhelmed with
>displeasure and i'm not sure what happens next but I see you, and
>not just you but you from the other dream. It's kind of creepy but
>at the same time comforting, you're sitting over my other-self in
>the clearing by the lego, staring at me and kind of holding me up
>just as i'm about to disappear. It's weird, i'm at your mercy in a
>sense.
>
>That's about it. I wish I could write more, but I need more to say.
>Write back if I don't get back home before you log off, so I have
>something to read from you before I go to sleep.
>
>Be well, wherever and whenever you are.
>
>Goodbye.
>
>