B: The prosecution calls Mr Hamlet to the stand.
L: I object.
B: To what? I haven't said anything.
L: You don't need to.
D goes to the stand
B: Could you state the charges lain (laid?) against you?
D: First-degree murder for the death of Polonius.
B: And you claim that you were not responsible for this murder, as you were insane at the time?
L: I object!
B: Why?
L: We prefer the term sanity-challenged.
B: Could you describe for the court your actions when you saw the King praying?
D: I snuck up on him, and noticed that he was preoccupied with praying. I realized that he wouldn't put up a struggle or even notice me if I killed him then.
B: But if you were indeed insane, why did you not take the opportunity to kill the King then?
D: He was praying! That means that if he got all his sins out and was forgiven for everything, he would then ascend to heaven. How can I have that happen to my father's murderer? Instead, I decided to postpone the whole ordeal until he was in the process of something sinful.
B: So you're saying you planned the murder?
D: In a sense, yes.
L: But why did you choose not to kill him there and then? Did it have something to do with your beliefs in God? Isn't that just crazy and irrational?
B: Wait, I'm still examining this witness!
L: Suck it up, princess. Now answer my question, Mr Hamlet, aren't your beliefs crazy and irrational?
D: Heretic!
L: Uh... withdrawn. Next question. Mr Hamlet, could you explain who you saw when you visited your mother's room, after killing Polonius?
D: I saw the ghost of my father.
L: You saw a ghost! Did it speak to you?!
D: Yes. It spoke to me of my purpose there, to be kind to my mother.
L (to jury): Does that sound at all reasonable to you?
B: I object!
L: Sit down and shut up!
L (to jury): Does what Mr Hamlet said sound at all sane?
B: I object!
L: I am trying to examine a witness, here!
B: But it's my turn!
L: Alright, alright. If it'll shut your-- [cut off]
B: Mr Hamlet, did anyone else see this ghost?
D: No, my mother was present and she did not see the ghost no matter how much I pointed it out to her.
B: Well, Mr Hamlet, is it not true that Marcellus and Horatio also saw this ghost wandering the castle, apparently searching for you?
D: Yes, they did report to me there was a ghost on the castle land. That is how I first became aware of its presence.
B: So you're not the only one who's seen this ghost? It's NOT just a figment of your imagination?
D: I guess not.
L: I object! They were drunk.
B: This is Denmark, everyone's drunk.
D: He does have a point there.
L: Ok, well, Mr. Hamlet, could you explain to the court your visit to Ophelia last month? How were you dressed?
D: I wasn't.
L: NO! The one AFTER that.
D: There ARE children present, you know.
L sighs
L: The one after, then.
D: Ah, that visit! If I recall correctly, I was out of my wits entirely! I had my doublet all unbraced; no hat; and my stockings were fouled.
L: And what did you do?
D: I took her by the wrist, and I held her hard. Then I went to the length of all my arm, and with my other hand over my brow, I fell to such perusal of her face... I stayed like that for a while. And then I sighed and left, without taking my eyes off her.
L:Your honor....would a sane man remember those details so vividly? UNless he is a transvestite I say he's mad!
B: I object! First of all, Mr. Hamlet, do you confirm that you are Danish?
D: Unfortunately, yes.
B: Then is it safe to assume you were drunk?
D: Unfortunately, yes.
B: Secondly, witness testimony from court records show that you told Marcellus and Horatio you would put on an antic disposition. What did you mean by this?
D: I simply meant that I would act as though I was truly mad, but only for the sake of masking my true intent.
B: So this was, in fact, all an act. For example, you were acting perfectly rationally when you calculated that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were spying on you. Was it not something along these lines that took place?
+ IIIii 341 363 + sane
L: I object!
B: Hey, I thought I did a pretty good job.
D: Yeah, I had my whole Oscar speech ready.
L: No, no. It actually happened like this... 
+ IIIii 341 363 + insane
L: Can't you see this man is on a MURDEROUS RAMPAGE and that NOBODY'S SAFE FROM HIS MADNESS?
B: Uh... wait, you do realize you're supposed to be defending this man?
L: Well DUH! What university did YOU go to?
B: Harvard Law School, as a matter of fact.
L: I think it's pronounced Trent U.
B: Moving on... Mr. Hamlet, did you not devise your own adaptation of The Murder of Gonzago to stir the conscience of the King?
D: Yes, I did.
B: You had the capacity to write out a whole speech for a play as a part of an elaborate trap to expose the alleged guilt of the King, but you were apparently too insane to plan a murder?
L: I object! YES HE WAS; just look at his tie! Besides, didn't you also start making a disturbance throughout the play, rambling on by saying things like...
+ IIIii 255 258 + insane
B: Well, Mr Hamlet, didn't you also have a meeting with Horatio in which you asked him to watch the King, and compare notes afterwards? Testimony from Horatio shows that you said [IIIii 84 87].
D: Yes.
B: So were you planning to make these remarks to try and trap the king?
L: I object! Even if he was, he must have been out of his mind. We must take into account, for example, the actual murder itself.
+ IIIiv 17 29 + insane